Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t love each other.

They struggle because they stop talking about the things that actually create intimacy. And often that comes down to communication.

Desire changes.

Needs evolve.

Life gets busy.

And without intentional check-ins, partners can slowly drift into assumptions instead of connection.

One of my favorite tools for couples — whether you’re newly dating or years into a relationship — is something I call the R.B.D.S.M.A. Relationship Check-In.

It’s a framework that helps partners talk about intimacy, safety, and connection in a way that feels open instead of awkward.

It also creates a deeper sense of emotional closeness — which is the foundation of satisfying relationships.

Let’s break it down.

R — Relationship Status/Vision

Start with the big picture.

Ask each other:

• What kind of relationship do we want to create together?

• How do we want to feel in our relationship?

• What does a thriving partnership look like to you?

Many couples never actually talk about their relationship vision — they just assume they’re on the same page.

This question helps realign.

B — Boundaries

Boundaries build safety.

And safety is what allows intimacy to grow.

You might explore:

• What helps you feel respected?

• Are there emotional or physical boundaries we should talk about?

• Is there anything that has been on your mind but hasn’t been said yet?

Healthy relationships are not about avoiding boundaries — they’re about communicating them openly.

D — Desires

This is where things get interesting — and honest. I know it can feel vulnerable to share your desires- but this also gets to be fun and flirty as well. Often I find talking about your desires leads to greater turn on.

Desires are not just physical. They’re emotional too.

You might ask:

• What helps you feel desired?

• What kind of connection do you want more of?

• Is there something new you’d like to explore together?

Desire often fades when it’s never discussed. Talking about it brings energy back into a relationship.

S — Sexual Health Status

Open and honest conversations about sexual health are an important part of building trust and safety in a relationship — whether you’re exploring a new connection or deepening intimacy with a long-term partner.

This part of the check-in invites both partners to talk about health, protection, and transparency in a way that supports mutual care and respect.

Some questions you might explore together include:

• Do you know your current sexual health status?

• When was the last time you were tested for STIs/STDs?

• What kind of sexual protection will we use moving forward?

• Is there anything important about your sexual health history that you’d like me to know?

These conversations can feel vulnerable, but they often create a deeper sense of trust between partners. When both people feel informed and respected, it becomes easier to relax into intimacy.

It’s also important to recognize that discussions about sexual health can sometimes open the door to conversations about past experiences, boundaries, or even past trauma. Approaching this part of the check-in with patience, compassion, and non-judgment can make a huge difference.

The goal here isn’t interrogation — it’s creating a shared foundation of honesty, safety, and care for each other’s well-being.

And in many relationships, this kind of transparency actually strengthens emotional and physical connection.

M — Meaning

Relationships thrive when partners understand what things mean to each other.

For example:

• What moments have meant a lot to you recently?

• When did you feel closest to me?

• What helps you feel appreciated?

These conversations often reveal things that partners never realized were important. Early on in the connection- couples might use this time to discuss questions like: What does this connection mean to you? This can give both people an opportunity to state what they are desiring from each other. You may not know the meaning yet- and that's ok, too.

A — Aftercare

Aftercare is one of the most overlooked — and important — parts of intimacy.

It’s the way partners reconnect, ground, and care for each other after emotional or physical closeness. While the term is often used in kink or BDSM communities, aftercare is valuable in all relationships.

After intimacy, our nervous systems can be more open and vulnerable. Some people feel deeply connected, while others may feel sensitive, emotional, or even a little exposed. Having conversations about aftercare helps partners support each other intentionally instead of guessing what the other person needs.

You might explore questions like:

• What helps you feel safe and cared for after intimacy?

• Do you like cuddling, talking, quiet time, or physical closeness afterward?

• Is there anything that helps you feel grounded or relaxed?

• Are there moments when you need reassurance or connection after being vulnerable?

For some people, aftercare looks like cuddling and talking.

For others, it might be space, water, warmth, or simply being held.

There’s no right or wrong answer — the important thing is learning what helps each person feel supported.

When couples talk about aftercare, it builds emotional trust and deepens connection. It also creates a space where intimacy feels safer, more intentional, and more nourishing for both partners.

In many relationships, this simple conversation can transform intimacy from something routine into something truly connected.

Why Relationship Check-Ins Matter

Most couples wait until something is wrong before they talk deeply.

But the strongest relationships practice connection before disconnection happens.

This kind of check-in:

• Builds emotional intimacy

• Improves communication

• Strengthens trust

• Keeps desire alive

• Helps partners grow together

It’s simple, but it can completely shift the dynamic of a relationship.

Try This Tonight

Set aside 20–30 minutes with your partner.

No phones.

No distractions.

Just curiosity and honesty.

You might be surprised how much deeper your connection feels afterward.

A Final Thought

Intimacy doesn’t just happen.

It’s created through small moments of presence, honesty, and openness.

Whether you’re exploring a new relationship or deepening a long-term one, tools like this help couples stay connected instead of growing apart.

And sometimes, these conversations are the beginning of a whole new level of closeness.

If you are curious about deepening intimacy in your relationship, I offer relationship and intimacy coaching designed to help couples reconnect, communicate better, and build lasting closeness. This can also be applied to singles that are wanting to date more intentionally

✨ Book Your Bare by Barrile Experience